Life is truly a Miracle.......

I have to say that after watching a lovely movie, I really have taken the time to reflect on my life. I took the time to watch "Stranger than Fiction" with Will Ferrell. At first I was not overly excited about the movie, but after watching it I now have a much better look at my life. It is weird that some of the strangest things can make you step back and take the 2 minutes to reflect on what you have lived through, what you are doing, and what your biggest dream is.

I know that every day I wake up there is a miracle. The miracle is opening my eyes and looking at the pillow next to mine. After my eyes have first opened.....I look at that pillow and smile. There may not be the other person laying there on that pillow....but the simple fact that it is there.

As I have posted about before...I had a new start to life. I walked out of a marriage (if you could call it that) that I was not happy with. It took me 6 years to finally have the strength to say I am worth more than this. (It also helped that I had a little angel.) I have an angel that I love so much. He can smile and make the world stop. I would do anything for him.....and there is nothing that I won't be there for now. I have lived through some rough times like most people do. I am not that much different from most people....unfortunately. I was raped. I know there are many people that can say that and it breaks my heart. I was young and believed that a man that I trusted would never hurt me. I was wrong.....and the pain it caused was great. I looked in the mirror for years believing there was something I did to ask for it. I blamed myself for the pain, the tears, the lies. It was not my fault. It never was but when you experience pain like that....it is easier to blame yourself. I look back now and believe that I never thought myself worthy of true happiness. Now I am here with my head held high because I am alive. The miracle of life for me is what I have gone through.

I have someone that loves me, someone that has shared many tears (from laughing to hard), smiles, and moments of silence. I can look in those eyes of his and know how he feels about me without him saying a word. The look on his face when I do something incredibly stupid, the smirk he gives me when I get clumsy, or the pose.....oh the pose of all poses. Just thinking of it makes me chuckle. I also have this wonderful job. I have to say that with this job I admire those that are truly considerate. It is amazing the people that must be unhappy in this world. I talk to people that yell at me for the littlest things. (It also matters that I work in the cell phone industry.) I am thanked everyday for my kindness, my upbeat tone in my voice, my concern for their problems. I was lucky when my parents taught me manners, or at least that is what I call them. I think the thing that baffles me are the people that call in and yell at you for 5 minutes straight....and then they want you to help them. I have no problem helping out when I can.....but the more you yell, the more time it takes for me to fix the problem. I guess when at the end of the night and I know I made one person smile, laugh, or take the time to get to know one of the customers.....my day was a success. I can say that I am truly happy with what I am doing.

My biggest dream is so extensive for me. I have so many things that I wish I could do, that I think I get lost and don't know where to start. I want to travel the world, I want to own a Dodge Challenger (even though that is a pretty big dream), I want to work with animals, I want to help people that truly need help, I want go to college (even though my interests change from year to year....so I would be the one to go to the same college for 10 years and not have a diploma or really a major), but most of all.....my biggest dream is that I made my mark. I want to be remembered. Not like being famous remembered....but by someone I admired. Someone like my sister. She has left that mark on me...so I hope I did the same for her. She has always shown strength, determination and most of all love. I want my family to have all the happiness there is and I want my nephew to grow up in a world that is much safer than it is now.

Time goes by so fast. It is spring already even though if I look outside it appears like winter. We had 1 day of weather in the 70's before SURPRISE, 14" of white snow. The last of the white stuff that had previously fallen had melted away just days ago so I went to a nearby store to get some supplies for my garden and to get ready to get my yard looking great. The only thing I got done was weeding half my garden before calling it a day....and the realization that waiting until tomorrow is not a good thing. It is finally getting nice out again so I can finish the work that I have previously started.

Well Easter has come and gone. I had the pleasure of spending the day with a 2 yr old full of energy. He had 2 speeds....full speed and crash. It is amazing how a bottle of bubbles can be your best friend....or your worst enemy. He really is a great kid and I am looking forward to seeing him grow up. He already has his manners, he helps you put on your shoes, helps you stand up, helps put your coat on and opens the door for you. Now I just have to catch myself up on my sign language. He is learning at such a fast pace that I need to kick it into gear to keep up.

My family spent Easter in Minnesota this year. I was unable to make it but I am looking forward to seeing everyone in June when they come up here. We have some great places to check out. It has been many years since my parents were last in Maine. I hope that we can have a relaxing visit and still get in some sites for Dad.

Wow How Time Passes....

Since the last time that I just sat down and took the time to write anything down so much has happened. My sister and her family came and stayed a weekend with us. It really was a joy being able to see them and spoil the nephew. I have to say that I truly am a Proud Aunt!! :) The only thing I would have liked to change about their stay is the length of it. It really felt like we tried to fit everything in so little time. Next time they come up it will be much better.

I have also changed jobs.....And I feel that the change is good. I am in training still and will be for a few more weeks but for the most part I have a pretty good idea what the job entitles. It will be a challenge at first I am sure but I feel confident that I will be able to give 150% of myself to do the best of my ability.

I have started and almost finished my Christmas Shopping!! At least I finished what needs to be sent out. It seems like the day you say you are done you end up getting more.....I just have to not get myself into that. Now I just hope I don't have the "I really like it" when they really don't bug. I have done the best that I can.

Last night I took the love of my life out to dinner and a movie. We went to see the Mel Gibson's Apocalypto. It was one of the best movies I have seen in years. The way he uses visual aids to move you and set so much emotion in the movie was fabulous. I truly hope that more people go out and see this. I was really surprised to walk into a movie theater last night and only see 8 people. I can tell you that all of us left that theater after an amazing journey with a respect for the work Mel put into this film.

What's Your Ring??

After talking to my sister the other day.....I was left to wonder. With today's technology and everyone owning a cell phone, what is your ring?? My sister told me that mine is Ben Folds "Landed". I didn't have a clue who she was talking about so I went to the World Wide Web and ta-da, I now know. I listened to the song and see how it fits me. Then I find myself thinking of the ringtones I have on my phone.....for my mom it is the Monkey's Theme Song. (If you only knew her you would understand!! :) Love ya mom!!) For the love in my life it is Andrew Lloyd Webber "All I Ask of You". Of course then I think of my sisters and I really feel bad. I have Alanis Morissette "Hands Clean". I only feel bad because it doesn't fit her at all. I could of course change it but it never bothered me until after talking to her. I think people that take the time to find that song which reminds you of another person, either has way to much time on their hands or unconditionally loves them. As for the song I have for my sister....I am going to change it - only because I grew up with a great role model. She deserves to have that song that defines who she is.

Looking Forward to an Upcoming Visit!!!!

I've known for the past few weeks that my sister is coming to visit. Then yesterday I look at the calendar....And it's closer than I thought. All the things I need to get done before they show up. I don't want to leave things to the last minute. If I did that I would be exhausted before they showed up....And I have a little one that I want to play with!! I haven't seen him since he was a month old. The changes in him have to be great and I am looking forward to seeing all of them.

I am also excited for this visit for another reason. This is the first visit from any of my family since I became a "FREE" woman. The day everything was final...I was numb. The world was lifted from my shoulders. Yesterday I got my new license with my new name. How can anything compare to that??!!?? Not only am I free.....I have my own identity and make my own rules!! I received an e-mail from a friend yesterday that not only made me smile, but showed me just how strong I really am. "I am so entirely proud of your intense accomplishment of taking your life back into your own hands! Your strength and sense of purpose is phenomenal. And what a lucky duck J. is for having such a 'She-ra" type of woman in his life." This is coming from a wonderful woman full of strength and beauty. She can find the beauty in everything and she makes sure that it is known. Thanks A. for being there for me.

Showing off my new found freedom is not all I have for my sister. I have this love in my life that I am so ready to share with my family as well. He has been in my life for many years and now more than ever. He is a person I could always count on. He has walked this past year with me and showed me that there is love left in the world. He has helped me find my smile, my laugh, my heart, my love, and myself.

Well here it is! My new start to life. I am only 6 days away from the divorce I should have gotten years ago. I am now 13 months into a life that is still new to me. I have always taken that hard road that is filled with potholes and curves. For once I am taking that easy road full of beauty and love. I now wake in the morning with a smile and that glimmer of hope in my eye. I couldn't say that before.

I was living a life of abuse. My married life was all but a fairy tale. The abuse started the day after I said "I do", and didn't end until August 15th when I walked away. I walked away from everything I knew at the time. "Friends", that were only really glorified babysitters, "A husband", that was a dictator, and "A family", that was all but lost.

On my 25th birthday, I received the best present that anyone could have given me. I was going to be an aunt. That was the day my eyes opened and so did my heart. I had only spoken with my sister a handful of times within the past 6 years. I realized, I didn't want to be distant from my niece or nephew. I wanted to be there to watch them grow up. For them to call me when I was needed or wanted. Thankfully when my eyes opened, I knew I deserved more. I was worth much more that what I was getting. That was truly the first day to my new life.

Less then 2 months later I was on the road. I traveled half way across the country to find myself. With the support of my family I have found love, happiness, and peace.

For my parents, thank you for standing beside me and helping me when I needed it.
For my sister, thank you for the friendship that we have created. You truly are one strong woman that I am honored to know and love.
For my nephew, thank you for giving me that hope to pick up the pieces and make the puzzle whole again. You are forever my angel.
For the love of my life, thank you for walking beside me. You have given me the courage to find myself and the strength to believe in her.
For my friends, thank you for the stories, the laughter, the support, and the love. And for those that only find beauty in the world, thank you for your vision.